Dear Kobe

None of this feels real. From the moment the news hit I thought it had to be some sick joke. I couldn’t wrap my head around losing my biggest idol in life. I’ve been crying nonstop since the second I saw it. Kobe is the man I’ve looked up to more than anyone else in existence since I was 5 years old. Everyone who knows me closely knows that basketball was always my first love and first true passion, a lot more than film back then. I played it religiously from age 6-17. It was literally my life and the only thing I cared about. All because of Kobe Bryant. When the Lakers played the Kings and Blazers during that three-peat run, every game in the playoffs, during halftime, I would go outside and try to get as many buckets as possible, pretending to make every fade-away and game-winner like Kobe, before running back to finish watching the second half. Every single game. Every single time. I remember being at basketball practice when I was in 7th grade, I was playing on a varsity team at the time, and Kobe had his 81-point game against the Raptors. All of practice stopped and we were all glued to witnessing Kobe completely turn into this otherworldly being. I remember staying at the court outside my house until 2am, sometimes 3am, just shooting hundreds and hundreds of shots because I knew Kobe would do the same thing all the time. Just to make sure I could always outplay someone. That absolutely ferocious and infectious competitiveness. That’s the impact Kobe had on me, and so many others. That’s the Mamba Mentality. He injected into me a drive to always be great, to dedicate everything I have to my craft, in any medium. The determination and focus to always improve. He poured his heart and soul into everything he did and it caused me to do the same. It was way bigger than basketball because instilling a work ethic of that magnitude into young kids, especially athletes, is so damn special and so important. I’ll forever be indebted to him for helping me build that part of myself. It feels like he’s become a part of my DNA. I wanted to be Kobe. I still want to be Kobe. It’s hard to find any words because nothing seems adequate enough to say to do him the justice he deserves for everything he meant to me. And now, as an artist working to accomplish great things in film for myself, to see my idol himself doing film and storytelling also, it felt like he was out here on this planet to help keep me on my path, even if he’d never known I existed. He felt like my guiding light through all the dark things in life. I always dreamed that because of this wed get to work on a script or film together someday. I never got to meet him, I never got to have a conversation with him, and I’ll never get to write that story with him either. Maybe I should’ve worked harder or faster so that opportunity could have already happened. That feels like a failure for me. And that’s a regret I’ll carry for the rest of my life. I just wish I could have had one conversation with him just to let him know what he meant to my entire life the last 20+ years. I loved him like a father figure and I always will. And what pains me even more is that his daughter Gigi was taken way too soon as well. His passion for basketball was reignited because of her. She was so damn talented, she had the same drive as him and the same passion for the sport. She was going to change the entire game. She truly seemed like a special player. You could see how much joy Kobe found in that. They were both one in the same. It breaks my heart that she’s never going to get to see her journey carry on and get to build a legacy like her father did. It just isn’t fair at all. I can’t even imagine how Vanessa and his other daughters feel right now. You see the impact he had on me and the rest of the world so that’s definitely magnified twentyfold for his family. It really fucking sucks. They didn’t deserve this. And while I have all of these great and beautiful memories of watching Kobe throughout the years to help bring me happiness, it’s still so damn hard not to hurt and not to feel sad. I’ve never felt a sadness this powerful ever in my life. This truly feels like I have a huge void in my heart and soul that will never be filled ever again because of what Kobe meant to me. Kobe is the reason for why I am the way I am today. He’s the reason I have such a need and desire to be as great as humanly possible in every facet of life. Kobe is the reason for everything. I always thought my lasting memory of Kobe was gonna be him dropping 60 points in his final game ever, giving us all one last flash of what he truly was as a player: someone that could dominate any team and anyone at any moment he wanted to. But I was wrong. My lasting memory of Kobe is forever going to be the father and husband who gave everything he had to his family and his passions, to helping his daughter discover her full potential in her passion and doing anything necessary to ensure she would get wherever she wanted to get to, to becoming a powerful, Oscar-winning storyteller, to being a humanitarian and ambassador of helping to eliminate homelessness, to never shortchanging any of us with his efforts in anything he ever directed time and energy towards. I will remember him being the happiest he’s ever been because of all of these things post-basketball. I will always remember him for what he stood for. I will always remember him for showing me what it means to be great and how hard you need to work to achieve your goals. He is someone that can never be duplicated and never be replaced. I love him and am gonna miss his presence in this world for the rest of my life. Thank you for all that you’ve done for me, Kobe. You were the biggest inspiration in my life. I genuinely wouldn’t be today here without you. #MambaOut #Lakers

golden pothos

she spreads her beauty 

like a plant experiencing growth

expanding through her environment

angelic in shape, gracious in form 

existence is purified in her presence

air filled with the scent of her essence

effervescence in every atom 

unaware of her immense impact

she radiates persistence 

constantly developing, evolving 

light emanates from her vibrancy 

her expressions are rich with color

her design is raw elegance 

she is pure

complex yet simplistic 

an organic balance to her character 

like photosynthesis, 

she generates an invigorating energy 

the process is trusted 

inspiration to grow into something more

a maturation of sorts

as time passes by,

she hangs her wilted flowers with a fragile insecurity 

yet they still are on display so magnificently 

it takes so much courage to do so

there’s a gentleness in her actions 

serenity is in the touch of her anatomy 

admiration for her divine creation 

a heavenly gift

Angel’s Ivy

circle vs. square

often I lay in silence
thoughts smoldering in uncertainty
there's an emptiness I struggle to fill
attempts are made at finding fulfillment
but I always find myself falling short
it's a consuming feeling
the process of continuously faltering
trying to be better than you once were
more times than not
seems like a kite in a lightning storm
never stood a chance

I ask myself
question after question
striving to find an answer to any one
wanting to find purpose
but mostly finding failure
doubt discovered
self-resentment flourishing
yet I am here
still continuously faltering
because that's how it goes

we spend so much time
in search of our purpose
some never find it
some know what it is from the start
others tell you what it is
others say they don't know
maybe it's meant to be that way

often I lay in silence
eyes closed, mind open
and in that silence
I hear all my mishaps
I see all my failures
I feel all my pain

but there's one thing that silence brings
something just as crucial:
acceptance of self.
though it's not always easy
insecurity rings loudly
that's a battle that is vital
that fight is filled with something special––
purpose

the burden

there’s a burden 

that lies on me, heavily 

or is it a twisted blessing?

i don’t really know

it’s like that feeling 

of struggling to keep 

your eyelids open 

on a night you’re running on fumes

the tank is depleted

your eyes are on fire 

yet something tells you 

to keep them 

from closing 

there’s something special 

about that moment

on one hand 

you discover 

what your will is like

the strength to fight it

on the other

sometimes you fail

the lids close

defeat, in a form

but rest is also victory 

maybe the burden isn’t that bad

the question is,

what is the burden? 

good question

i’m finding out day-by-day

a little bit

sometimes i forget

the cycle of growth 

just maybe

Perception Obscura

I believe I know everything. I know I don't. But I think so. This is the constant, the war between insecurity and egotism. I know I will fail countlessly, but I do what I can not to. I feel like I have to show the world my greatness. I have to. I am miserable, maybe that's why I work so hard to show why I am so much better than everyone else, artistically. I try to find a saving grace, but there is none. I am who I am, though that's not a very good person to be. Growth comes. Sight blurs amidst the line where positive and negative meet. I just do what I can. Most of the time it is not enough. I am more intelligent than most, which leads to terrible habits and traits. I'm not better than most, but I am. I'm not, as a human, though. So much further to go, I doubt I'll make it there. Thoughts, emotions––inflected yet not intelligible enough. Never are. I would like to be able to describe it all. However, there is not enough vocabulary, nor am I aware of how to do so. Life seems to be that way. Attitudes, knowledge, idiocy, love, hate, feelings: a combination of all––and more unnamed. Desperation, loneliness and depression encompassing self. The ever-consuming sphere. Break away from it, find the exit. But it's difficult to do so. Almost impossible. But here I am. Progress. Movement. Growth. I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. The resounding chant. The door is open. Walk through. Go.

a search for meaning in the birth of confusion

it's like you look up and you see what's not there

there's a chaotic symphony playing along to your footsteps

seconds fly by and you can't even stop anything. 

what's coming has passed

it's just bewildering. one moment you're sitting there and then the next moment you're blinking

a lash drifts to the floor as hours move by

you can't get that lash back

and then there's a star in the sky and you look and the TV isn't even on anymore, 

it won't power on

it's like a walk in the woods when the wind is cool degrees

I can't even explain how life is

who can?

it’s unreal

why do we constantly thirst for illusions passed?

there's a wall of filmic images playing on repeat in the eyelids

I don't even know where to go

but I have to say something

I can't just not know

dwelling on irony unexplained 

there’s so much depth to the sense of feel

you hold soul in your palms

we envision all that is and all that is not

all that could be and all that never will be

it’s like laying on a cloud of hollowness 

you know you’re going to fall 

but you live for that fall

curiosity doesn’t kill you 

you kill curiosity 

you kill every darling 

only to wish to resurrect them 

forget-me-nots don’t blossom here 

the seeds of profundity have been planted 

yet they are never reaped

we fail to sow what matters too often 

I do

when you stand on rocks you see the world in full view

but you never plunge 

sporadicalness is your best friend

it haunts you 

blood can’t be tainted 

we mix liquids of insignificance 

can purpose be found?

can it be taught? 

we try so hard to seek out the definitions 

but darkness swallows whole 

regurgitating every ounce of what little dignity we have left

you can’t mask sorrow 

you let it live on your face 

you let those lines mold your outcome 

you fight the outcome 

there’s a twisted sense of self-righteousness 

we’re self-absorbed 

I am

a self-centeredness so revolting 

the mirror degrades 

but it’s important 

we must understand our image 

we never will 

but we try 

you see the expressions in the crowd 

an implosion of a sense of self 

all reaching for that last saving grace 

the last drips of your water gently pour onto your tongue 

finality is fine-tuned 

you hear life’s harmony 

the flutes toll for everyone 

there is no ringing 

time is soundless 

silence bursts into existence 

the shades of color fade

shadow always survives 

in the end, we see 

everlasting totality shines 

let the void crumble 

shed the insecurities 

but never forget their impact and necessity

bathe in bare essence 

you are born. you are dead. 

but you lived

that’s enough

we hope

hope is insufficient 

a falsehood

I'm not always right

unfortunate truth 

truth: that's what should be found, constantly 

a sacred honesty 

I watch the pores of my skin grow impatiently open and through them I see doorways to my demons

I walk on the surface of a tempered sun

yet it flares with intensity when the occasion calls for it

it is time

plummet into that beautiful and horrific mess.

there's serenity in the despair 

your chaos is accepted 

make known the conscious and unconscious

and now you can begin...

actualize. 

Interpenetration

Scattered fragments of bliss compounded with pain.
Memory fulfilled.
Nighttime ventures ended by the splattering of daybreak.
You cause the metaphysical to crumble into beautiful ruins.
Splashes of your essence stain the landscape of our experiences.
Your scent is infused into the stratosphere of my existence,
lingering like a morning mist
My surrounding is a garden of your blossomed affection,
never withering

Veins bursting as you rush through,
like an overdose of morphine
My mind is flooded with images of your composition;
a longing to conjoin our madnesses––
descending in unison like the hues of a sunset as dusk approaches––
Let us crash and then rise again.
Our canvas is painted by the colors of passion and amorousness:
A representation of rapturous abstract and complex temptations.

I not only need you, I want you.
You are the foundation of everything that makes sense.
Life without you is not a life but a hell.
Your presence is necessity.
You evoke all that is good and genuine.
You are vital to my heartbeat.
Place your hand on my heart and feel it.
Let me take your hurt; cover me with your darkness
so we can escape it, together.
Everlasting comfort.
Take a breath and be. Simply.

Appreciation of the Fire

I wish I could show you everything beautiful about yourself that you can't see.
The flaws that reek of imperfect perfection.
Your soul shining through your eyes.
That's an image I can't believe I've been blessed enough to have burned into my memory banks.
There's a pain beneath your glow I wish I could comfort.
I wish I could erase the consuming self-doubt.
Demons falter in your presence.
I wish you would believe this.
The magnitude of your influence unmasked.
You changed my life by simply being in it.
I wish you could see it.
You are the reason life is worth living.
Not just for me, but for many.
You are worth it.
You are deserving of a life truly lived.
I wish I could give you what you deserve.
I would give you the world and all of me, but even that wouldn't be enough.
You deserve infinity.
I hope infinity finds you.
All I can give is words.
Words that will never be capable of bringing your powerful existence to light.
You are indescribable.
You are embedded in my delicate consciousness.
And this is where you break free.
Accept and love who you are.
Because you are life.

Prism

I miss your voice.
When you speak the world stops,
and everything else is faint.
Only you are in focus.
Perception is narrowed to all that needs to be seen.
The only sight that matters.
The only soul that's necessary.
Being around you is something special.
Daily life consists of carrying the weight of 100 selfs on my own shoulders.
It's unbearable.
But when I'm in your presence the selfs dissipate, cease to exist.
It becomes freedom from all dead weight.
Listening to you talk is the most beautiful thing in life.
Laughter flutters from your mouth
and brings your welcoming essence.
Lifting me into the stratosphere.
Happiness resides there.
Scattered speech and thoughts
float through the clouds of emotion.
Little by little,
I learn you more.
A continuous pleasure.
I miss not only your voice,
I miss you.
Maybe it's not the end.
But if it is, I'm thankful for what was experienced.
The ultimate shaper of spirit.
You are the artist.
You are existence.
You are the sound that echoes, endlessly.
Beautifully.

Trek

The infinitude of shadow and light flowing over the soul. Surmount your journey, or it surmounts you.

Petrichor and Placidity

I feel that life is at its truest when it is nighttime and there's a strong downpour crashing outside. Rain brings not only the deepest, darkest, and saddest thoughts to the surface, but also a calming acceptance of everything happening to oneself. It's strange because it seems to make the loneliness I experience so much more significant, yet it helps to make me not feel so lonely simultaneously. Emotions become more potent, longing becomes more bruising. It brings a sense of completion while showing exactly what's missing. It's an odd paradox. Nature has no intentions other than to just be. If only being human was as simple. As people, we can't just be, no matter how much we say we can or how badly we try to; there is just so much more to it. But when I look at the dark gray clouds painted over the black sky, feel the moisture floating through the air, and listen to droplets of water shatter against land, it provides a certain understanding. A comprehension that causes me to realize that I am certainly lost, but maybe that isn't so bad. Stuck in a cycle: a constant state of uncertainty encountering inquisitive nature. So much has been learned and so much to be learned; every joy and pain felt; the lows of depression and the highs of vitality, all experienced in equal measure. As self-reflective rain can cause me to be—in the worst and best of ways—it is an absolute necessity. It is an honest peace.

The Importance of Another

A chasm in the sun,
like atoms cracked
We disintegrate 
free from an uproar of sensory turmoil
A mesh of spoken silence 
and clamored action, 
Individuality and homogeneity 
stitched into the textiles of our nucleus. 
Patterns of oneness 
infused with a desire for twoness:
Fractions now whole, 
the essentia of life

Amorphous.

Chariots of chaos
gliding through 
the existence of lost time
and gained simultaneity. 
A microcosm of space 
defined by imagery
enshrined in a complexity of self

The aesthetics of conceptuality not yet grasped, 
scorching a vivid curiosity. 
Acts of comprehension 
trumping divided thoughts
like transverse waves 
erupting with harmonies 
of unsuppressed grandeurs. 

Crossfades 
of sound meeting matter: 
a coalescence ripe with foundation. 
Branching into the never-ending nihility; 
filling void with grand ventures, 
synaptic jubilance―innerved. 
Modernly unknown 
yet progressively archaic,
an equation presently infinite

Ignis Fatuus

Delusions are the basis of all life. Everything we do is shaped by concepts and ideals we've constructed in our minds throughout our lifetime. Our self-centeredness feeds our thoughts of what we think is and isn't. We are always right. We are never wrong. Except when we are. And yet, even with self-awareness of this fact we still won't change. Or maybe I'm just speaking for myself? Maybe it is just me. That's not so far-fetched. We are clouded. (There I go, using "we" again.) Delusions are as important as they are dangerous. Everyone loves to talk about fucking happiness. Happiness revolves around the roots of everything ideal, that is what we are taught to strive for. But happiness can never exist unless delusion is present, even if just vaguely. Because what we experience is never 100 percent what really is, in the grand scheme, only to ourselves. You see, the self-awareness is back. It can be troubling. Or do we just ignore the delusions to enjoy the what-we-have-in-the-now? All of this could be absolutely false. Or it could be as true as mistakes. I honestly don't know because I don't fully understand. I never will. I wish I could learn. I wish I could make sense of all of this. I'm delusional.

a fusion fragmented

madness unraveled 

a fleet of feeling

we float through a vast nothingness of everything experienced

on a collision course with duality

a deconstruction of secrets and bonded flaws 

the two missing pieces to an incomplete puzzle of selflessness 

a kaleidoscope of feverish passion: 

on loop with each other’s revelations 

the reflection of spirits reaching vertex

retinas mirroring our fears, conquered in darkness; 

an amalgam of influence and distorted perceptions 

our shadows staring into the depths of one another’s souls 

emotions incomprehensible—

a common chronicle of tortured dreams

representing a beautiful, sinful divinity:

a descent into the union of you and I, one.